Parents of high school senior surprised to discover they have no college fund

After pushing their son to the brink of exhaustion over the past year studying for SATs, visiting a dozen campuses, poring over essays, then getting accepted early-decision to the college of his choice, a local couple was surprised to discover they had absolutely no plan to pay for it.

"We just figured it was like retirement," said the wife, "where when your child reaches college age, boom, money just shows up in your checking account." The husband agreed: "That's the way it was when we went to college." 

When informed that retirement doesn't work that way either, the couple seemed dismayed. "Well, crap. Then that's gonna be a problem too."

Their son could not be reached for comment, as he was busy applying to CUNY.

Teen adds new words to vocabulary

An Upper West Side teen has continued to expand his already rich vocabulary during his first semester of high school. Ethan Tarpley, a freshman at LREI High School, now peppers most sentences with colorful new words and phrases, many of them starting with the letter F.

"He's an exceptionally bright young man who never stops learning," said his parents. "We couldn't be prouder."

When reached for comment, Ethan said, "I don't know what the f- you're talking about."

Local author trails JK Rowling in sales for fifty-third consecutive year

A local children's author has again come up short in his efforts to out-sell best-selling author JK Rowling--or any other best-selling author.

The unidentified man originally set his sights on retiring to a beach in Tahiti, but after his first book was published, he modified his goal to buying a DeLorean for his son. His current goal is to avoid defaulting on his mortgage.

JK Rowling was unavailable for comment, citing poor Internet connectivity in Tahiti.